More Tales of Everyday Madness

Celeb Grapevine, In the News, January 22, 2008

It might not have been a proper British accent, but at least it was Britney.

However she's at least picked up something from Ghalib - a dodgy British accent. After finally showing up to a deposition in her custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline, Britney responded to questions about Ghalib in an accent straight out of the Dick van Dyke school, saying: "I don't know who that is… I have never met him before."

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,851 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

7 days

A Reference to a Reference to D.V.D.'s Accent

At last, someone else who recognizes the Dick Van Dyke reference as a cliche!

Digital Spy, Tuesday, January 15 2008, "A trifle uncool" by Dek Hogan

"Nothing on offer here then to trouble Friday Night with Jonathan Ross where typewriter-collecting Tom Hanks came across as a typically ill-informed American tourist. We were taking bets about whether there would be a Dick Van Dyke reference, so shockingly bad were Hanks's attempts at British accents. Sure enough we got one."

Also today... and seeing as we've heard about this movie before, I suspect we will again...

Irish Voice, January 16, 2008, "This Dream Is A Nightmare"

"There’s so much to lament about Cassandra’s Dream that it’s difficult to know where to start. First of all there’s the casting. Ewan McGregor, a Scotsman, and Colin Farrell, an Irishman, play two working class Londoners with the kind of Dick Van Dyke gawd bless you gov’ner accents that sometimes make you wonder if they’re being ironic."

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,844 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

5 days

D.V.D. as Ironic Champion of Londoners

Class snobbery in England cuts both ways. Today's mention of D.V.D. comes in the form of someone fantasizing about visiting Cambridge University and exaggerating his own lower-class accent just to annoy the stuffed shirts. "So, whatcha fink of me London accent as angry, ironic blackface?"

The Guardian, January 11th, 2008, "All change at the top", Joe Baden

"I was ready to go to Cambridge, class on my sleeve, Bermondsey accent to the fore with verbal knuckle duster at the ready, or perhaps dressed as Dick Van Dyke from the film Mary Poppins giving an ironic rendition of "de ole bamboo"."

The Mary Poppins costume and that song would be a double-whammy, seeing as D.V.D. sang it in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. And it's called "Me Old Bamboo". Two bonus points.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,839 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

2 days

"A Case a the Dick Van Dykes" is Now a Disease!

Oh dear. First we saw his name used as a verb, and now the poor man has been reduced to something that sounds like a bowel complaint. HE'S STILL ALIVE, YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARDS!

Islington Gazette, January 9th, 2008, "Gwyneth's CDs help to dodge 'a case a the Dick Van Dykes'"

Help is at hand for tongue-tied thespians thanks to an actress who has launched a series of accent coaching CDs.

Dick Van Dyke's calamitous "cockney" in Mary Poppins may be a perennial favourite but Gwyneth Strong - best known as Cassandra in Only Fools and Horses -is hoping to make bad accents a thing of the past.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,837 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

32 days

Half Marks: No mention of his accent...

The Guardian has an article today about big acting. D.V.D.'s performance as Bert in Mary Poppins gets a mention here not for the bad accent, but for the bad acting.

The funny thing is, big acting isn't actually all that common. It is not to be confused with bad acting, ham acting or over-acting. It's not Jeremy Irons in Dungeons & Dragons, Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, or Charlton Heston bellowing, "GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!" at the end of Planet Of The Apes.

A Nice Cuppa

Probably my second favorite British media cliché is what I call "the tea story". It turns up every few months, and usually extols the fantastic health benefits of the national beverage, as if there were anyone in the British isles who didn't drink enough tea. Sometimes though, a mildly scary tea story appears... as if one could possibly discourage anyone in the British isles from drinking tea.

Today in on the BBC, came this story: tea 'healthier' drink than water. However, just a couple months ago, we learned that tea's health benefits are 'exaggerated', which I find interesting because the photo appears to be exactly the same cup of tea as in the more recent story.



Earlier still, we found that making your tea in a teapot 'is the healthiest option', but you really don't want to be so traditional as to put milk in your cup, since milk in tea 'blocks health gains'. And what exactly are the health gains of a nice cuppa? Well, tea 'could cut skin cancer risk', and for that matter, tea 'controls female hair growth'. When we return to our stock photo of a cup of tea with milk again, we learn that black tea 'soothes away stress', and amazingly, the same cup, which must be getting cold by now, 'reduces ovarian cancer risk', 'may fight tooth decay' (but don't try herbal tea for that, just regular tea, thank you), helps fight off infections, and we even learn that scientists in the United States now believe that the health benefits are so great that everyone should be urged to drink tea, and that doctors say heart attack victims may live longer by drinking plenty of tea, but not too much, because, not surprisingly, tea 'increases incontinence risk.

Panto Season!

Panto performances are a longstanding Christmas theatrical tradition in England. If (as I am) you're an American, you might have to (as I did) have panto explained to you. It's a childrens' performance of a traditional story (Aladdin, Jack and the Beanstalk, Sleeping Beauty, things of that ilk...) gussied up with lots of slapstick for the kids, a very camp female villain played by a man in drag who tells naughty jokes for the grownups, and lots of audience participation for everyone. The whole thing is, one might say, gay as Christmas... but not too gay, because while brits like their transgressive humor to be broad, they also have a very narrow area where they allow it to reside.

Today's D.V.D. reference appears in a positive review of Aladdin, and mentions our man's cockney accent in passing as the writer praises a performer. So that's a new wrinkle.

John O'Groat Journal, December 14, 2007, Frills and spills with Wick's young panto stars, by Karen Steven

Steven, something of an old hand amongst so many newcomers, produced one of the best performances with his mix of Dick Van Dyke cockney accent and well-timed physical antics, and he managed to form an almost instant bond with the youngsters in the audience.

For reasons I can't explain, a Scot performing with a broad cockney accent to make children laugh just tickles me. Tee hee!

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,813 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

8 days