I have corrected the "Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins" counter for the first time in a while. I just kept adding the total number of days since the last mention of Dick Van Dyke's accent to the time elapsed since premiere number, and I drifted way the hell off. I hope nobody was incommoded by my laxity this important matter, and if you were, I apologize.

Onward and downward.

There is a bit of bad news directly related to Mr. Van Dyke, and a bit of sad but inevitable news only tangentially related to him, and I have no desire to make jokes about either.

First, it seems Mr. Van Dyke's long-time companion Michelle Triola has cancer.

MARY POPPINS star DICK VAN DYKE's long-time partner MICHELLE TRIOLA is battling potentially-fatal lung cancer. Triola, 74, underwent surgery at Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on 10 April (08), where she had part of her lung removed. The 82-year-old actor reveals it is too soon to tell how successful the operation was, but he remains confident she will recover. He tells the National Enquirer, "I couldn't really ask Michelle how she was feeling because she was still stoned out of her mind - just too far gone when they wheeled her back from surgery. Michelle had to have the upper lobe of a lung removed, but the doctors think she's clean."

We here at the MODVDA wish them both well.

As for the sad-but-inevitable news, Ollie Johnston, the last of Walt Disney's "Nine Old Men" animators died this week.

Johnston's work included such memorable moments as... the penguin-waiters serving Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins" (1964).

Okay, I didn't mean for this post to be such a downer, but it is what it is, and now I've got to make the transition to the silly again, and I'm not really a writer with enough wit and style to make that shift in any clever way.

Still, I can take some pride in being a writer who recognizes a stale cliché when he sees one.

Oh look, there's one!

The Times, April 19. 2008, "My Week: George W. Bush" by Hugo Rifkind

My first meeting of the week, with the dude in the dress. Definitely not the Jap. “Bless you, my son,” he says.

“Fank you, my son,” I say, putting him at ease with my best Dick Van Dyke accent. He just looks at me. My aide studies the ceiling. Maybe it wasn’t so good.

You see, the joke here is that the President of the United States is so stupid that he thinks he should address the Pope, whom he is confusing with the Prime Minister of England, in an English accent which he thinks is authentic, but it's really Dick Van Dyke's Accent! See all the levels of comedy there? Oh deary me, that is so very satirical that I may have to sit down and mop my brow and fan myself as I recover from the deep belly laughs which so recently seized me.

I'm okay now.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,940 days

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

14 days

This Fortnight in Dick Van Dyke's Accent

I only know of two people who read this blog -- my barber and a friend -- so here's an apology to my readers (plural!) for not posting in a while. It would be a bit much to call my readers (plural!) "my public", wouldn't it?

Up The Saddlers (Football Club fan site), March 28, 2008, "Southend vs Walsall Preview" by Neil

Down to Sarfend tomorrow. Sarfend, the playground of the Cockneys. What a depressing thought that is – thousands of people trying desperately not to sound like Dick Van Dyke on crack – or should that be trying to sound like him?

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent: 10 days



Now, on to a completely gratuitous D.V.D. accent mention as the lead-in to a trivia question:

The Huddersfield Examiner, April 5th, 2008

In the film Mary Poppins, Dick van Dyke’s “Cockney” accent has been much mocked ever since; but what species of bird shown in the film was an American one masquerading as British?

Usually the part after the "but" is supposed to have something to do with the part before it. May I suggest, "Dick Van Dyke wasn't the only American pretending to be British in Mary Poppins; what American species of bird in the film also tried unsuccessfully to pass as British?" Or something.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent: 8 days

The Spoof, April 6, 2008, "Johnny Depp Says He Has Always Been A Big Fan Of Dick" by Duncan Whitehead

Johnny Depp has finally admitted what many have suspected for years, he is not only a big fan of Dick but he embraces Dick and wishes that there was more Dick on TV.

Actor Dick Van Dyke is thrilled by the news.

"I loved Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Mary Poppins" said Depp "Van Dyke has that cockney accent down to a tee. It's nearly as good as mine, I based my accent on his. I wish he was on TV more than he is."

Van Dyke, who is not George Clooney's father, despite their resemblance says he is a big fan of Depp. "I love Johnny's movies, especially the Matrix and Speed. He is one of Hollywood's brightest young stars."

Bleugh. Not exactly Private Eye, is it? As Homer Simpson once shouted at his TV: "BE FUNNIER!"

Okay, that clinches it. I have posted two links to D.V.D. references in "The Spoof" (here's the first), and they have both been horrible. No more quotes on this blog from the unfunny "Spoof". You hear that, Spoof? A blog that comments on how boring it is to complain about Dick Van Dyke's accent has decided that your boring references to Dick Van Dyke's accent are too boring to post.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent: 1 day

This Week in Dick Van Dyke's Accent

The Independent, March 18. 2008, "Miles Kington Remembered: A flaming yarn about Elvis and his Bruce Wayne shoes" by Miles Kington

"I knew a bloke once who swore that when Americans try to imitate Cockney, it comes out pure Australian, which goes to show that Australian is just a mixture of ..."

"It doesn't show anything of the sort," said another. "If Americans spoke like Australians when they tried to speak like Cockneys, then how come in Mary Poppins Dick van Dyke didn't sound Australian, instead of the fake Cockney he did sound like?"

"Because he wasn't good enough even to sound like an Australian."

There was a reflective pause for laughter.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,868 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

11 days


****

Variety, March 19th, 2008, "Gabbers at Geffen fund-raiser; Roma Downey, Julie Andrews attend" by Mia McNiece

At the Geffen Playhouse's annual fund-raiser, Backstage at the Geffen, held Monday in Westwood, stars spilled behind-the-scenes secrets and there was no holding back.

Thesp Roma Downey recalled an incident early in her career when a Broadway co-star was too inebriated to perform, while Julie Andrews drew the loudest laughs recounting the time her "My Fair Lady" co-star Rex Harrison loudly passed gas onstage while saying "He was a windy fellow."

The event, which honored Annette Bening and Disney's Robert Iger, was co-hosted by Andrews and Dick Van Dyke, who received the loudest applause when he performed the "Mary Poppins" classic "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,869 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

1 day

Cockney Accent Not Exclusively Sold as a Caricature and Gimmick.

Second Supper, Undated, Review of Calvin Harris: I Created Disco

This album could be partially described as a form of “arcade disco”, and Calvin Harris has his Atari beats down. This smarmy beast eats bleeps and shits funk. And it’s neat. Really, the only irritating aspects that I found on the disc were in the Dick van Dyke chimney-sweep vocals, the tea wiv tha guvnah Cockney that makes acts like The Streets so damned quaint and cute. Still, there’s a difference here, being that Harris doesn’t seem to be selling the accent as caricature and gimmick – at least not exclusively.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,8597 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

12 days

Dick Van Dyke's Accent Vs. Zombies!

The New York Sun, February 26, 2008, "They Came From Another Land" by Grady Hendrix.

A review of the new DVD release of The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue:

Ray Lovelock, sounding like he's been dubbed by Dick Van Dyke doing his "Mary Poppins" accent, plays George, an antiques dealer heading for his country house when a fragile young woman named Edna (Cristina Galbo) backs over his motorbike in a service station. She's on her way to see her photographer brother-in-law, who's holed up in a remote cottage trying to dry out his drug-addicted wife. George bullies Edna into giving him a ride, but their detour sends them crashing into a rapidly growing gaggle of corpses re-animated by an ultrasonic pest control machine and a fascist police inspector (the legendary character actor Arthur Kennedy).

Damn! Why am I not watching this movie right now?


Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,8585 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

5 days

An Australian Says: "Dick Van Dyke's Accent Is Not As Bad As A Slit Throat."

The Age, February 21, 2008, "Warning: the following is rated MA15+" by Danny Katz

Even musicals have become MA15+. There was a time when musicals didn't get any more blood-curdling than Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent in Mary Poppins. But I took the kids to see the new Sweeney Todd movie at the George in St Kilda, and it was a full-throated, all-singing Sondheim masterpiece, accompanied by full-throated, all-slitting geysers of blood pumping out of necks, spurt-spurt-spurting like rotating golf-course sprinklers that you're not allowed to use any more.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,8580 days.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

12 days

"Kind Of" and "Sort Of" are The New "Um" and "Er"

I listen to a lot of podcasts, and one of my favorites is the Guardian's daily news podcast. Over the past year, I've noticed a new and irritating substitute for the pause -- the words "kind of" and "sort of". (My girlfriend, who is studying Speech Language Pathology, tells me these verbal placeholders are called "maze behaviors.") It tends to turn up in only in spoken (as opposed to written) British English, and is mostly occurs among younger people. Older Brits, no matter their social class, don't do this, but young journalists are all over this one, and it drives me nuts.

Now, mind you, there's nothing wrong with using "kind of" or "sort of" when you're presenting an analogy or a metaphor -- if you were to refer to your brain as a "kind of biological computer," that's a perfectly acceptable usage. It is a computer -- kind of -- and it is therefore, a kind of computer. Fine. The usage I object to is when the speaker sets one of these phrases off with wee verbal commas, "...your brain is a, kind of, biological computer..." When I hear that, I start to wonder if the speaker knows whether the brain is biological or not.

Here are some examples I collected last year. I could collect new examples, but I've been sitting on these for a while...

In May of last year, talking about the high prices of theme park admissions, Rebecca Smithers said:

"...you have to, kind of, look quite carefully at the figures, actually, I mean, the catch 22 is really on the, sort of, cutoff price for children..."

"...for the most popular rides, the real, sort of, white-knuckle rides..."

"...a fast track ticket, which is what Disneyland offers, which allows you to, sort of, jump right to the head of the queue..."

So was she talking about not looking carefully at something that isn't quite a cutoff price, a popular nearly exciting ride, and doing something resembling a jump to get to the head of the queue?

You get the idea.

Also in May of last year, Larry Elliott said:

"...inflation has remained pretty steady at between, sort of, two or three percent..."

"Sort of" two percent must be either one or three percent (but not actually two), and "sort of" three percent must be either two or four percent (but not actually three), yeah? So, let's see, it's now between one and four percent, but not two or three percent. I think.

Ugh. Good at maths, bad at Englishs, apparently.

The absolute nadir of the lot has to be Guardian movie critic Xan Brooks. Dear me. He hasn't been on the podcast much lately, but his spoken review last year of My Blueberry Nights, directed by Hong Kong film-maker Wong Kar Wai is the most astounding example of this verbal tic I've heard so far. Brace yourself.

"...(Wong Kar Wai) is a real, kind of, revered foreign language director, who is, basically, branching out and making this American film that also marks the screen debut of the singer Nora Jones, and she plays a, sort of, lovelorn twenty-something who, kind of, jets off in search of herself in classic, kind of, American road movie style."

"It's not a very demanding role, because she just, basically, kind of, has to look at a lot of things, and, kind of, smile and frown on command..."

"I found it a horrible, kind of, winsome, mash of American genre tropes, from the, sort of, smoky bars to the open-top sports car. It all felt a little bit, kind of, just, knocked off."

"...which is a really, kind of, admirable thing, and yet the actual, kind of, finished result, I think, falls into a lot of those same traps."

"It's got a, kind of, a charm to its, sort of, you know, unabashed romantic style, but it also has a few, kind of, cringy moments, and it never really has any, kind of, pace or drama. You feel that he's just, kind of, looking at things that he likes..."

"It doesn't have that, kind of, edginess that Mike Lee has. It's more, kind of, teenage poetry, kind of, improvisation. There's a lot of, kind of, heartfelt dialogs and, sort of, a lot of angst."

With so many wishy-washy modifiers, you have to wonder if he really watched the movie, or if he only kind of, sort of watched it.