Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Red Top Paper Says D.V.D.'s Accent Sounds Like He Comes from a Posh Girls' School

The Daily Star, April 22, 2008, "Lily's Gav Tribute"

Lily, 22, who as we know is master of complicated rhymes and the kind of Dick Van Dyke vocals they practise at Roedean, entitled the ditty From Barry to Billericay.

Apparently funny because Roedean is a fancy girls' school.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,943 days

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

2 days


Now, we hear from an American college student:

The Daily Titan (Cal State Fullerton), April 23, 2008, "THE LONDONER: A few tips on how to survive in the U.K." by Erin Tobin

As my trip to England draws to a close, here's a list of things, in no particular order, that my peers and I have really taken to heart over the last few months.

-Some things just look better spelled with a "u," regardless of what the spell-check says.

-Just because it's England, where they speak English, doesn't mean you'll understand anything anyone is saying.

-English accents are cute on everyone, no what matter age, location or gender - except for drunk Americans.

-Countrywide, it is agreed that Dick Van Dyke has the worst English accent in the world.

Really?! I never would have guessed! I mean, considering the following:

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,944 days

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

1 day

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Alison Moyet Can't Do an American Accent, Just Like D.V.D.

The Sunday Mail, Apr 20 2008, "Alison Moyet reunites with Vince Clarke for first time in 16 years", by Billy Sloan

She also tried her hand at acting and appeared in hit musical Chicago in London's West End, playing kailer Mama Morton opposite Denise Van OUten as Roxy Hart.

She said: "I'd always hated musicals. They're a bit naff. And me and an American accent didn't go too well together - it was all a bit too Dick Van Dyke."

Mind you, I'm not a professional language coach, but I think I see your your problem, Alison. The reason you couldn't successfully do an American accent was because he was attempting a cockney accent!

And what's up with those typos? "kailer"? "OUten"? For a moment there, I thought I was reading the Guardian.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,941 days

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

1 day

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I have corrected the "Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins" counter for the first time in a while. I just kept adding the total number of days since the last mention of Dick Van Dyke's accent to the time elapsed since premiere number, and I drifted way the hell off. I hope nobody was incommoded by my laxity this important matter, and if you were, I apologize.

Onward and downward.

There is a bit of bad news directly related to Mr. Van Dyke, and a bit of sad but inevitable news only tangentially related to him, and I have no desire to make jokes about either.

First, it seems Mr. Van Dyke's long-time companion Michelle Triola has cancer.

MARY POPPINS star DICK VAN DYKE's long-time partner MICHELLE TRIOLA is battling potentially-fatal lung cancer. Triola, 74, underwent surgery at Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on 10 April (08), where she had part of her lung removed. The 82-year-old actor reveals it is too soon to tell how successful the operation was, but he remains confident she will recover. He tells the National Enquirer, "I couldn't really ask Michelle how she was feeling because she was still stoned out of her mind - just too far gone when they wheeled her back from surgery. Michelle had to have the upper lobe of a lung removed, but the doctors think she's clean."

We here at the MODVDA wish them both well.

As for the sad-but-inevitable news, Ollie Johnston, the last of Walt Disney's "Nine Old Men" animators died this week.

Johnston's work included such memorable moments as... the penguin-waiters serving Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins" (1964).

Okay, I didn't mean for this post to be such a downer, but it is what it is, and now I've got to make the transition to the silly again, and I'm not really a writer with enough wit and style to make that shift in any clever way.

Still, I can take some pride in being a writer who recognizes a stale cliché when he sees one.

Oh look, there's one!

The Times, April 19. 2008, "My Week: George W. Bush" by Hugo Rifkind

My first meeting of the week, with the dude in the dress. Definitely not the Jap. “Bless you, my son,” he says.

“Fank you, my son,” I say, putting him at ease with my best Dick Van Dyke accent. He just looks at me. My aide studies the ceiling. Maybe it wasn’t so good.

You see, the joke here is that the President of the United States is so stupid that he thinks he should address the Pope, whom he is confusing with the Prime Minister of England, in an English accent which he thinks is authentic, but it's really Dick Van Dyke's Accent! See all the levels of comedy there? Oh deary me, that is so very satirical that I may have to sit down and mop my brow and fan myself as I recover from the deep belly laughs which so recently seized me.

I'm okay now.

Time elapsed since premiere of Mary Poppins:

15,940 days

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent:

14 days

Monday, April 7, 2008

This Fortnight in Dick Van Dyke's Accent

I only know of two people who read this blog -- my barber and a friend -- so here's an apology to my readers (plural!) for not posting in a while. It would be a bit much to call my readers (plural!) "my public", wouldn't it?

Up The Saddlers (Football Club fan site), March 28, 2008, "Southend vs Walsall Preview" by Neil

Down to Sarfend tomorrow. Sarfend, the playground of the Cockneys. What a depressing thought that is – thousands of people trying desperately not to sound like Dick Van Dyke on crack – or should that be trying to sound like him?

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent: 10 days

Now, on to a completely gratuitous D.V.D. accent mention as the lead-in to a trivia question:

The Huddersfield Examiner, April 5th, 2008

In the film Mary Poppins, Dick van Dyke’s “Cockney” accent has been much mocked ever since; but what species of bird shown in the film was an American one masquerading as British?

Usually the part after the "but" is supposed to have something to do with the part before it. May I suggest, "Dick Van Dyke wasn't the only American pretending to be British in Mary Poppins; what American species of bird in the film also tried unsuccessfully to pass as British?" Or something.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent: 8 days

The Spoof, April 6, 2008, "Johnny Depp Says He Has Always Been A Big Fan Of Dick" by Duncan Whitehead

Johnny Depp has finally admitted what many have suspected for years, he is not only a big fan of Dick but he embraces Dick and wishes that there was more Dick on TV.

Actor Dick Van Dyke is thrilled by the news.

"I loved Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Mary Poppins" said Depp "Van Dyke has that cockney accent down to a tee. It's nearly as good as mine, I based my accent on his. I wish he was on TV more than he is."

Van Dyke, who is not George Clooney's father, despite their resemblance says he is a big fan of Depp. "I love Johnny's movies, especially the Matrix and Speed. He is one of Hollywood's brightest young stars."

Bleugh. Not exactly Private Eye, is it? As Homer Simpson once shouted at his TV: "BE FUNNIER!"

Okay, that clinches it. I have posted two links to D.V.D. references in "The Spoof" (here's the first), and they have both been horrible. No more quotes on this blog from the unfunny "Spoof". You hear that, Spoof? A blog that comments on how boring it is to complain about Dick Van Dyke's accent has decided that your boring references to Dick Van Dyke's accent are too boring to post.

Time elapsed since someone mentioned D.V.D.'s accent: 1 day